Christopher Bramley
The Lordt’s Quest

The Lordt’s Quest

Fiction / Fantasy, Humour

Cacheman. Lewtsman. Hero. Lordt.

In a world where nothing is as it seems, there is a man… living on the edge of the darkness… and the light.

Only the Lords of the Crystalline Skulls and their entire hordes surrounding the Dark Tower stand in the way of him reclaiming his Lady and keeping his wares. Facing danger and confusion at every turn with little coffee and less sleep, he has only his stalwart companions to aid him seek his prize and defeat his greatest foes.

For the Lady. For the Loot.

For the Quest itself.

A very funny, semi-fictional, very silly, fairly rude, and fully fantastical interpretation of a great day out.

‘Stay in school, kids,’ he muttered back to Stewart the Visionary, wishing he’d studied longer in Lord College and brought an entire retinue with him to bear him on a palanquin instead of struggling up the hill alone in such a sorry state. The resolution of their tall, handsome leader was inspirational as they went.

insisted I took this with me,’ he grumbled five minutes later, wrestling the rapier around on his belt. Every extra microgram of weight was currently offending him. ‘Should have left it behind.’ The others stayed quiet, having seen how that had worked out for him when he tried.

‘Fucking hellll,’ he complained again a little further on, stamping up the hill exhaustedly. ‘I could use a good staff.’
‘You have a broadsword,’ pointed out Stewart the Visionary.
‘I do, but if I put my weight on it, it bends.’
‘Put not your trust in broadswords found by the wayside,’ suggested the Visionary in a murmur.

‘No good getting to the final battle if you’re shagged,’ moaned Lord Smith barely thirty paces further on.

Another hundred paces staggered:’That’s why these Dark Lords build their Towers on the top of a hill,’ he gesticulated further up in acid protest. ‘So you’re fucked by the time you get there.’

Two minutes went by.

‘I can’t take any more.’

They rounded a bend three minutes later. He flapped the map in his left hand dramatically.
‘Just keep… just keep the Treasure. It’s fine,’ he moaned…